“The first ideas I still have in my memory are, when I was five years old, lying on the bed, instead of sleeping, I don’t always sleep too much, I was thinking of eternity, thinking always, always, always; I was seeing big distances, and yet more distances were being added more and more; seeing that it was getting to its end, I was shuddered and was thinking about those who might have the disgrace of going to the painful eternity…!” (Aut 8).

INITIAL APOSTOLIC WORRY

The first ideas that we remember are those that refer to experiences that have touched us profoundly.  It is good to be aware of these experiences because they help us to understand many things that happen to us: difficulties, reactions, dreams, motivations…

These first experiences, in Claret, related with the mystery of God and of eternal life, that he tried to imagine according to human categories but which he couldn’t cover up.  But really what is most interesting of this experience of the child Anthony Claret is the dismay it provoked in him that led him into thinking on the eternal disgrace of the neighbor.  It was a sentiment that penetrated deep inside him, specially marking it with great missionary motivation…

He told us this explicitly in his autobiography:  “this idea of eternal disgrace… is the sprung and what was stung by jealously for the salvation of souls”.  (Aut 15). But later, in Barcelona, it appears that he started to get worried of his own proper salvation.  What does it benefit man if he takes over the whole world but loses his life?  And he decided to be a monk to assure his life well, away from the world that appears to be leading him away from God.

But later he returned to his first experience and dedicated all his energy and capacity for the salvation of the neighbor.

What are my first experiences?  How have they been influencing my life?